I’m tired. Beat down tired.
Yes, physically because I’ve worked every day this week so far, and will work until Sunday, which is my only day off this week. I was also running around last night in a town an hour away from me (left right after work) for an audition, and I had to be to work this morning at 9am. That’s not terrible, but let’s throw in the fact that I had to be to the bus stop this morning at 10 before 8… and I’m not a morning person. It sucked, to say the least.
Frankly, though, it’s more than work that’s making me tired, though there are many reasons that it makes me tired. Don’t get me wrong; I’m grateful to have a job, but it’s not the one that I want to find myself working a year from now.
So why am I tired?
I’m tired of my job, and I’m tired of what I’m eating. So much of me wants to say “screw everything; I’m vegan now”. Yes, I know… coming from a girl that loves food, this would be considered foodie suicide to some. However, my body’s been reacting strangely to all the fried food I’m having (no kidding, right?), so I just want to cleanse my body. It’s tough, though, since I feel like I’m constantly hungry, and having water all the time is getting on my nerves, even though I love it. (pass the lettuce)
I’m tired of being single, yet I’m too chicken to really talk to guys. I honestly thought I would grow out of this, but I haven’t. I still feel awkward at best around anyone, including guys. Why a man would want to be bothered with this fumbling awkward black woman is beyond me… which might be the crux of most of my problems in that department.
Yet it feels like no matter what I do to change that, it won’t change. Finding someone good to love is too hard. Part of me wants to try, and the other part of me says “screw it”. I find myself saying “screw it” more often than not because I’m not one to give a million chances. Dare to think someone might be different, and it usually ends in disappointment.
I shouldn’t complain because I have been blessed… but things could be better, and I know that.
You ever have too many decisions to make about your life, and you feel overwhelmed? Have you ever just want to say “screw it all”, fall off the grid, and carve coconuts for a living in the Bahamas? I sure have! In fact, that sounds like a great idea right about now.
Becoming a famous, yet slightly anonymous chocolatier in France would be awesome as well. Just saying.
Or… sometimes you want to do so much with your life, and feel like you don’t have enough money or time to do all that you want to do?
The only thing that I really know is that I was meant to be unconventional. Whenever I try to do the normal thing (get what most people consider to be a job, get a car and a place to live, and also get married and have children), I end up wanting to kill myself or fall of the grid and carve coconuts.
It’s not that I don’t want any of those things; I just don’t want the normal job. I’d be unhappier than I am right now, and possibly even more tired.
For now, I’ll sleep on it. I think I’ve let my lack of sleep talk enough for one night.